My Weakness

I am trapped in my mind.   Over and
over my mind plays beautiful memories of my life with you.   It is as if my very being is torturing itself.   With each memory,  I confront the harsh reality of my life without you.

It has been hard.   I will not lie.   We have had ome of the most tumultuous marriages of anyone I know.   I always believed we were going to come out on the other side of it ok though.   I thought we had God on our side and he would help us sort it all out.

I remember our first kiss.   I wanted si badly for our first kiss to be on our wedding day.   Then that night on your couch.   We were sitting and talking.   It got silent and you were so close.   I could not refuse you.   It was the sweetest most heartfelt kiss I have ever had.  

I ask myself sometimes if you even have any memories like this.   I have so many.   Things we did.   Things you said.   My heart is filled with them.   They are my dungeon now. Has it all been clouded by anger? Did our love and lives became jaded for you?

Even considering all we have endured, I was never able to imagine a life with out you.  There were times (more than I could care to admit)that I complained about you.   Said I hated you.   Wished you would die.   Tried to devise a plan to leave.   I could never bring myself to do it.   I would see you or talk to you and my heart would fill with love.  I didn’t want to go a day without you. 

I was often hurt because you could and would easily go without seeing or talking to me.   I know I have told you this but I don’t know if you believe me,  there were few nights that I did not wait up for you call on the way to work.   I longed for your call in your way home from work.   Those calls came less and less.  The longer I went without talking to you the more alone I felt.   I would text you when I would wake up during the night to tell you that I loved you.  More often than not you would not reply.   It was crushing.   Still I held on believing it would be ok.  

I was so exuberantly happy when you told me you were switching to swing shift.   I thought we were going to be able to start doing stuff together again.   You would be so tired and so agitated from switching from nights to days.   I envisioned us enjoying our time together.   Seeing a movie.   Playing rummy.   Going for walks the WY we used to with the dogs.   We used to be able to enjoy each other without much effort. 

Was I deceived?   Did I imagine it all?   We were in love.  Deeply in love.  Weren’t we? You were hand picked by God for me.  We had an amazing story.   How does it end like this?   How does it end me crumpled up on the floor wishing to die?

I have shared so much if my life and my soul with you.   You have helped me in ways that I have never shared with you.  You helped me to over come things that I thought I never would.  I let you into places in my mind,  my heart,  and my past that I never let anyone else into.   I have never trusted anyone the way I trusted you.   I have never loved anyone the way I loved you.  Loving you actually showed me that I had never truly and honestly loved another.   With to you I was able to vulnerable.

I don’t know where I began to hurt you.   I only wish I knew.   I wish I could undo it.  I don’t know what it is I did or was doing that made you stop loving me.   I would do anything to stop this all.

For so many years we talked about how we couldn’t wait for all the kids to be grown and out on their own.   Except one.   We knew and we’re comfortable know there was one that would probably always remain.   We enjoyed the idea of finally getting to focus on us.   The fun we would have not being overwhelmed with all the issues with the kids.   I feel cheated.   We are finally about to cross that line and it is all coming to an end.   The last one is preparing her flight out of the nest now and we are no longer.   How can this be?   Why now?   Why at all?  

So many want me to hold my head high and just “GET OVER IT!!!”  How do you get over the end of something you waited your whole life for?   How do you just move on from something you never expected to have to live without?   You always said “Now,  Always and Forever.”  I believed you.  

I have cried so many tears that I think I am running out.  My muscles hurt from them tensing up.   I randomly begin shaking from nerves I would imagine.   I cannot eat.   My body will not accept food at all.   My nausea is so bad that I have even thrown up without having eaten for days.   My mind in cloudy from so much emotion and pain.   Lack of sleep and not being able to eat is probably not making anything any easier on me.  

I don’t know if I can do this.   I know that sounds weak.   I know that sounds pathetic.   I probably am pretty pathetic right now.   Some women would be infuriated with me for being so heart broken. It makes women look weak and needy.   Gotta keep it together.  I am not together.  I am not sure I am even living right now.   I feel my heart beating so I know I am alive but breathing is difficult. I often find myself holding my breath.  

I will confess that if I could find away out if this life without hurting anyone,  I would take it.  I don’t want to go through this pain I am enduring.   It is not just emotional pain.   This is physically painful for me.   If there was a way.   I don’t want to hurt anyone.   I have damaged them so much from what I did those two times.   It just seems like too much.   It seemed like too much two years ago.   It seemed even worse last year at this time.   Somehow I find myself in worse shape and even more pain than either of those years.

It is pain of knowing I have let you down.   That I have disappointed you.   You stopped loving me because of me.  You stopped loving me because I wasn’t the wife I was supposed to be.  I wasn’t the wife you needed.   I failed you.   I failed our marriage and ultimately failed myself.  I have always wanted you to enjoy life.  I wanted you to be happy.  I wanted you to be comfortable and to feel loved and appreciated.   I wanted you to feel like my leader.   I wanted you to feel successful and needed.   I wanted you to feel that you meant the world to me.   I guess,  I didn’t convey that very well because you stopped loving me.

I never seemed to know which way to turn.   When you came home on your days off,  you wanted to relax and I so desperately just wanted to be with you.  I wanted to talk to you.   I felt so disconnected from your life.   You usually didn’t want to talk. You usually said you were watching something on tv.   Oh,  how I grew to resent the TV.  So, I just tried to let you be.  I tried to just check on your from time to time to see if you needed a drink or something to eat.   My way of showing you my live was yo have your soy milk,  cereal,  ice cream,  and tea here for you when you came home.   You were on my mind so often and I missed having dinner with you.  I missed spending ng time with you.   I eventually became fearful of spending time you.   Not fearful like something bad would happen but it seemed so often that I would say something wrong or do something that was aggravating to you and I would ruin the time we were spending together.  Rather than hurt you or upset you,  I began to avoid you.   Which was the complete opposite of what I wanted.  

I don’t have much left in me.   I am so drained by today.   I have to think.   I don’t know how I will make it through this.  I so desperately need to talk to you.   You don’t seem to want to talk to me and since I seem to screw everything up,  I am incline to believe that I should just let you be.  I don’t know if you now how I feel or the pain I am in.   I don’t know if you care.   I just know it feels like more than I can bare.   It feels like I need to find a way out so I don’t lose my mind.

Maybe insanity would be a good thing.   I would be unaware of my circumstances.   So that leaves me with two appealing options death or giving in to the slipping of my mind.   Such a weak woman I am.   I am ashamed of my weakness.   In this area even disappoint myself.  I used to be so strong.   So determined.   I am now only defeated.   A remnant of the person I once was and far from the person I want to be.

My existence is so wrapped up in you.   The thought of a life without you does not seem like a life but a sentence to be served.   Ohhhh,  to find a way to slip quietly from this world into the next with out harming anyone else.   I have caused you to stop loving me.   I have hurt my family and our children.   There is nothing I can think of that would go unnoticed.   I certainly do not want to spend all of eternity filled with regret,  sorrow and pain.  It seems unavoidable the I am destined to spend the rest of this life in just such a state.  

I wish he had just taken me home last year.   I would have been out of your hair and no one (the kids,  my family,  my few friends,  your family and friends) would be enduring these days. I don’t know what he spared me for.   It seems a waste.  

My vision is going double any blurry.  
The sky is growing dark.

My body aches.

More tears begin to fall…

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One thought on “My Weakness

  1. Pingback: The End or a New Beginning? | Tracy's Post

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